


Am I selfish?

by zapatterson



Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 23:09:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11390358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zapatterson/pseuds/zapatterson
Summary: "Patterson, I just - I don’t think we can do this,” Tasha says.And Patterson, sitting beside her on the secluded park bench, tastes loss in her mouth. She stares straight ahead.





	Am I selfish?

**Author's Note:**

> me talking about how tasha zapata is a lesbian ▶──────── 21:13:58

"Patterson, I just - I don’t think we can do this,” Tasha says.

 

And Patterson, sitting beside her on the secluded park bench, tastes loss in her mouth. She stares straight ahead.

She's been waiting for this, if she's being honest with herself. It was too good to be true. Tasha and her have been - things have been different between them, recently. They’ve been saying more, showing more. It’s been filling a part of Patterson that she hadn’t even understood was aching and empty, until suddenly it wasn’t.

Both having exposed their selves to each other in ways they've never thought they would. 

But now…

“It’s - you know, our jobs,” Tasha starts. They hear chatter behind the bushes, the sounds of a few boys playing around. The meet up today was domestic, even sweet; but as they were walking to the park, Patterson saw Tasha's face. She'd known that something was shifting. She'd known that there was trouble to come. 

“Jobs?” she manages.

“Yeah, Patterson, jobs. It's dangerous and takes all of our free time. Half the time I'm throwing myself in front of bullets so it won't hit the lives of innocents, and that’s good, because all those lives that are saved, but…” she pauses; Patterson says nothing. “But - God, Patterson, it’s so much harder to throw yourself in front if a bullet when you have someone out there who makes you think you shouldn’t have to.”

Patterson frowns, and turns to look at her. Tasha is watching her, her lips half-shaping new words but not speaking them.

“I dunno, I just,” Tasha says eventually, looking away. “just lately… you make me think…” she swipes a hand over her mouth. “God. I don’t know. All I know is, it was a lot easier to lie down and die when I knew I wasn’t worth shit.”

“You were never worth -” Patterson begins, and Tasha shakes her head.

“See? This is what I mean, you say stuff like that and - I can’t - what if I can’t do my job, what if I can’t save people, when I think I’m - you know - worth something? And that makes me not want to jump in front of that damn bullet? What then? No, I’ll tell you what. Then people will die, Patterson.” Tasha swallows. “People who can’t come back. What if it’s someone else we know, what if it’s - what if it’s Reade or Jane or Weller?”

Patterson is silent, thinking. Tasha half-starts a few more sentences, and then lets them go.

The sun shines bright. Tasha notices all the birds flying around, the different sounds from the different types of birds. The world seems so huge in this moment, almost making her feel so small for feeling all these things. Making her feel even smaller for having to have this conversation.

“I don’t want to stop,” Patterson says. Her voice betrays her confusion, her hurt, that Tasha could even think of giving up - that the pain isn’t too great for her to even consider it.

“For God’s sake, Patterson,” Tasha says in a way that Patterson understands, right then, just how much it hurts Tasha, too.

“We don’t have to stop,” she says. “Tash, it doesn’t have to stop.”

“I just - what if one day, I wake up, and I think - I think of you and what there is too lose? What if I let someone die, because I end up wanting to believe you when you tell me I’m -” Tasha cuts herself off, and shakes her head.

"No-one even knows about us, and I'm not saying we should come out or anything it's just so hard when we're at work and we can have those moments and I love having them just between us. I love smiling when you ramble, I love being close to you. I love looking for you even when I don't realise until I see you. It just makes it harder because we never get time outside of work alone, y'know?" 

Tasha pauses for a breath and closes her eyes for a few seconds before continuing "It's just so hard that the times that we do see each other, it's usually with the rest of the team. When I have spare time, Kurt or someone has you on a late night case in the lab. But when you have spare time, I'm off on a op. It just seems that everything is against us."

Patterson stares at her and wonders how to shape the thoughts in her mind. She presses her lips together and feels a lump in her throat.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” Tasha says. “Sometimes, I look at you, and I - I want to be selfish, Patterson. I want to say, fuck it, let them think what they want to think. I want to be selfish and say screw it and just be with you, without another care. Let’s buy an apartment together and you can have all your games strewn across the place and we can go see Reade every other day to make fun of his dating life, and argue about all my house plants and the bugs they attract. I want to be selfish and just live my life the way I so desperately and selfishly want to. Let’s just… do what normal people do, and spend most of our time trying to be happy, instead of trying to keep everyone else alive… let’s just - let’s just be selfish. Because if I’m not so worthless, then why shouldn’t I get that too? Damn it.” She lets out an exasperated sigh and gets up from the bench. “I just need to - I need to think that I deserve to come last. I need that, to do my job right. See?”

Patterson shakes her head slowly.

“No,” she says. 

“No?”

“No.” she exhales sharply, trying to organise the diaspora of her thoughts into order. “Being willing to do anything for someone because you think they’re worth more than you… is the coward and weak way.” she's speaking to her hands that lay in her lap, eyes a little out of focus, as she thinks aloud. She sees Tasha sit back down on the bench out of the corner of her eye. “Perhaps in the past you have put yourself last because you thought you were the least. And perhaps now, it is time to see that you are not the least, and you never were.”

“But if I didn’t deserve it…” Tasha begins, and then breaks off. There’s a little pause.

“Someone has to come last,” Patterson says somberly, after a while. “Someone, somewhere, has to be last. Has to be the one to… put themselves in front of that bullet. And you can choose it to be you, not because you deserve it, but just because it’s got to be someone. Because its the brave thing to do. And you decide that, out of all the equal someone's, it’s going to be you.” Patterson sighs. She's not making herself as clear as she wants to. “When you know your own worth - when you know you are lesser than no one, and you would still lay yourself down for them… that is true courage.” It's usually Tasha with her intelligence and awareness that makes the speeches, sometimes intimidating the blonde - so she's trying this time.

Tasha is silent, listening. She's turned back to face the grass in front of her. Patterson shakes her head again; she's talking too much, she knows, spinning out what she has to say in the hope that it will change Tasha's mind, and they’ll be able to keep being themselves, keep building a little happiness.

“You don’t have to hate yourself to be selfless,” she says. “And being willing to give everything you have for others is not the same as thinking you are worth nothing. One of those is… insecurity, and the other is bravery.” Patterson tightens her hands into fists. “You can know yourself as someone’s equal, and still step towards the point of a knife for them.”

Tasha looks towards her. Her eyes are ever so slightly lighter than they have been - just a little hope in them.

“You think so?” she says.

Patterson nods.

“Yeah,” Tasha mutters, more to herself than to Patterson. “Yeah. I think - I think I get that. It’s something to aim for. Different to before.”

“Maybe,” Patterson says. “Or maybe not so different. Besides what about our future dogs?” she offers the gentle side swipe as a way to lighten the mood, but Tasha doesn’t leap on it like she normally would; tonight, she seems happy to tread the deep waters.

“So… you think we can do this?” Tasha says. Patterson watches her profile for a moment.

Do you think we could be brave enough? Tasha asks, silently. Do you think despite time being so against us, it will finally click? Do you think we could still be with each other, knowing that each day could be the last everytime we go on a mission? Do you think we could stop resenting how easy it is for others than it is for us?

Do you think we could be brave enough? Tasha silently asks.

“I think… you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met,” says Patterson. “And I would gladly stand at gunpoint for innocent lives, and protect them with you. Knowing that I love you, and am loved by you.”

Tasha draws in a breath, and lets it go.

“And as for being selfish,” Patterson says, “I think we can do that, too, sometimes. Just a little.”

*

They name their dog Polito.

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING. & extra thank you for leaving comments and kudos


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